Two scrambled eggs with a side of Jesus...and Ketchup

For most of my life, I have possessed a strong dislike for eggs in any form with hard boiled eggs being the absolute worst. I didn’t like the texture, the smell, the taste, or the thought of how an egg actually makes its debut into the world. My aversion to eggs began when I was a child. One night, I became super sick and as a result spent my entire night throwing up in the bathroom. (I have never been a fan of burying my head in a trash can) At some point during the day before my horrific night of vomiting, I had eaten eggs and  I vowed never to eat one again. And for 14 years, I didn’t. I picked eggs out of my salads. I avoided the deviled egg containers at every holiday dinner. And when my dad would make omelets for breakfast; I would eat cereal. After my senior prom, I even fed eggs to my date’s dog because I didn’t have the heart to tell his mom I didn’t like them. (No, I didn’t sleep over at my prom date’s house; His mom made breakfast for all of us the next day.) My anti-egg campaign was going strong until a few weeks ago when I woke up to the smell of scrambled eggs. And for the first time since I could remember; I enjoyed the smell.  The pleasant aroma led me to make eggs for myself the next morning which brought my grand total of made eggs in my lifetime to three.  My egg eating didn’t stop there. In fact, I have been craving scrambled eggs with ketchup (keep your comments to yourself until you try it) everyday for the past 10 days. And not just a small craving but an I want eggs for breakfast, lunch and sometimes dinner craving. My cravings have led me to eat an entire dozen of eggs in a week. Tonight, I had a date night with my grandma and when I order scrambled eggs and pancakes for dinner; her eyes widened and she was speechless for a split second. (My grandma is almost never speechless) And I was left explaining my new addiction scrambled eggs to my grandma.

I had eggs twice in one day for the second time this week. (Tuesday I had eggs for breakfast and lunch.) And for the first time since my egg addiction began; I realized that I could quite possibly make up for all of the missed years of eating eggs if I kept up my current eating habits. I don’t know where my newfound love for eggs came from and I don’t know how long it will last but I know that for now; I can’t get enough of them and wonder why I ever cut them out of my diet in the first place. Eggs aren’t the only thing I have had an aversion to over the years. For most of my adolescent years, I had an aversion to Jesus. One night, I became super sick of the pain of this world and I vowed never to let the pain inside of my heart overtake me again. In order to mask my pain; I did everything I could to ignore my pain because as soon as I accepted it; the pain became real again. Ignoring the pain also meant ignoring Jesus. So for years, I vowed to ignore every one of His attempts to heal my brokenness. I picked apart His mercy and His grace. I avoided any relationship that was grounded in His love and truths. And when my Heavenly Father would make me a haven from this world inside His arms; I would choose a haven in the form of drugs and denial. My independent, rebellious, me against the world attitude lasted 2 years and then one morning I smelled the aroma of Christ. And once I smelled Him; I couldn’t get enough. The only problem is, I couldn’t get back everything I had lost during my years of rebellion.  Fortunately, God loves us so much that he restores us to completion and removes our past completely from our lives but we can’t go back and receive the blessings He had for us while we walked away from Him. When we choose to have an aversion to Christ; we also choose to have an aversion to His abundant blessings.  And no matter how much we try to make up for missed years of living for Him we can’t. God most definitely has new blessings for us and He most definitely doesn’t skimp on us simply because we have unopened boxes of blessings. In fact, it breaks His heart that one of His children suffered when He had the perfect gift to satisfy their soul. God doesn’t exist so we can fill up on as much of Him as we can stand and then set out on a 2 year sabbatical without Him. He exists so we can fill up on Him every morning. So we can refresh our spirits and renew our minds daily. We can’t enjoy the benefits of our relationship with God and we can’t experience His blessings if we are constantly asking ourselves how long our addiction will last. Loving God is more than a short term addiction friends. It is a lifelong commitment. It is a commitment that will require sacrifices, struggles, and defeats. But it will also reap His abundant, overflowing, mind-blowing blessings.  Are you committed to a lifelong addiction to Jesus? Or do you try to get your fix all at once and hope it sustains you during your own 2 year sabbatical? I enjoy Jesus every morning, everyday, and every night and when I shut my eyes at night I still haven’t had enough.  I have missed out on God too many times by creating some form of my own anti-addiction campaigns but His sweet aroma that I smell every morning when I set my heart towards Him alone; reminds me of His eternal blessings. And His eternal blessings are my rewards for enduring a daily relationship with opposed to a quick fix of His abundance.

Despite the inconsistency in my sleep schedule and my tender tummy beginning to feel the effects of my board exam; I still wake up each morning craving coffee and scrambled eggs with ketchup. And despite the inconsistencies of my life and my tender tummy beginning to feel the effects of Satan; I still wake up each morning craving Jesus because I know he is the only thing in my life I don’t want to ever vow against.

Verse to remember: Genesis 49:25-26

25 because of your father’s God, who helps you,
   because of the Almighty,who blesses you
   with blessings of the skies above,
   blessings of the deep springs below,
   blessings of the breast and womb.
²⁶ Your father’s blessings are greater
   than the blessings of the ancient mountains,
   than the bounty of the age-old hills.

Let all these rest on the head of Joseph,
   on the brow of the prince among his brothers.

Feel Better Soup

One Sunday a month, I give up my usual seat in the left side of my sanctuary and spend my Sunday mornings in children’s church.  Aside from my extensive skills as a puppeteer, (my forearm extensors got quite a workout today), I volunteer in children’s church because I welcome any opportunity to be used by God and because I absolutely love the children of my church. Because I am still half kid myself and because I have no objections to milkshakes and doughnuts during the same three hour evening of babysitting; I have quite a fan club among the tots of Everlasting Covenant. This morning, I woke up extra early partly because I had soup to put in the crock pot and partly because my brain wouldn’t rest knowing it had a Sunday school and a children’s church lesson to prepare for. (A board exam in 2 weeks doesn’t help much either) I spent yesterday morning preparing both lessons but I needed to mentally go over them again a few more times before I was completely ready. (I considered wearing eye black this morning to get myself completely mentally psyched but I decided it may be too much for 5 year olds) During my car ride to church, I turned up my Lincoln Brewster CD, put on my pink sunglasses, gave a few fist pumps, and gave Satan plenty of warning for the abundance of God that was going to take place at the EC this morning.

Before one word came out of my mouth today, thousands of words came out of my heart. I asked God to use me to fill the gap between Him and His children. I prayed for wisdom. I prayed for strength. And most importantly I prayed that I would let God be God and rely on His Spirit opposed to my own spirit. (And of course God was His typical awesome self and sustained me during every second of my morning.) Because of my prayer of faith and obedience, I was able to complete my morning missions without fear and without the pressure of relying on myself. And I was able to spend my time and energy dancing to children’s worship music and playing with balloons. After my fun filled morning in children’s church, I helped serve a dinner to thank my church for supporting my upcoming mission’s trip. When I entered my church’s fellowship hall, a member of my church said, “I wondered where you were this morning.” (The children have their own sanctuary so most people didn’t see me this morning) And before I could respond a mother of one of my beloved totlets said, “I knew where you were because your mini-me already told me everything about her morning with you.” And this specific little princess (or mini-me) touched my heart more than I could ever touch hers this morning. Our church dinner consisted of soups, salad, and desserts. During the dinner, the six year old president of my fan club  came up to me and said, “Jay, I love feel better soup and yours is the best I’ve ever had.” Half touched and half confused, I asked her which soup she had eaten. Again, her response was, “the feel better soup.” And then I knew exactly what she meant and my confusion disappeared amongst the melting of my heart. I had made chicken noodle soup and in her sweet little heart she associated chicken noodle soup with feeling better during a sickness.  I also have a list of comfort foods (Actually, just ice cream) but my true “feel better” comes in the form of Jesus. If When I truly need  a touch physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually; Jesus is my only cure. He is my only cure because I have felt the benefits of knowing Him. I have experienced His peace in its richest form. And I have total satisfaction in Him alone. My first thought is always Jesus friends. Yes, I crave fattening comfort foods, bubble baths, and Mr. Bojangles but none of my typical “feel better” options compare to Jesus because I have a yearning in my soul for Him. I yearn to feel His presence. I yearn to be saturated with His comfort. I yearn for Him to quiet my fears. I yearn for Him to wrap His love around my sick heart. I yearn for Him because He completes me. He is at the core of my being and the only way for me to possible feel better is to have more of Him. I can’t turn Jesus into a feel better soup but I can drink Him up. I can inhale every ounce of His love. I can taste the riches of His grace. I can get lost in His scent of His sweet aromas. I can feel the warmth of my best friend. And I can see my healing in every serving of His healing waters. But I can’t ever, EVER  get enough of my favorite feel better soup.   Do you yearn for Jesus? Is He your true “feel better “in this world? Do you drink Him up every chance you get? Trust me friends, It doesn’t get any better than Jesus. And no one can heal you faster than Him. He may not exist in a liquid form but He exists in a form that will melt your heart every time and leave you craving more of Him.

When I left my house this morning my prayer was the same it is every morning: God it’s your piggy back partner, I will go wherever you lead me. And God give me more of you than I can possibly stand. Today, He didn’t just lead me through my Sunday school and children’s church lessons; He led me to a little girl (a princess who has captured my heart) who reminded me of why I choose Him above everything else. Who reminded me that God gives me more of Him each time I am desperate to feel better.

Verse to remember:  Psalm 63 1-5

¹ You, God, are my God,
   earnestly I seek you;
   I thirst for you,
   my whole being longs for you,
   in a dry and parched land
   where there is no water.

 ² I have seen you in the sanctuary
   and beheld your power and your glory.
³ Because your love is better than life,
   my lips will glorify you.
⁴ I will praise you as long as I live,
   and in your name I will lift up my hands.
⁵ I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods;
   with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

The battle of Me on Me

For the past few days, I have been in an all out brawl with myself. If you have never stood in front of your bathroom mirror yelling at the face staring back at you or never given yourself an all out lecture on life while driving (in your angry mom voice I may add), then you won’t appreciate where I am coming from. But if you have had those moments where you constantly beat yourself up then, maybe for the first time ever, you will be able to relate to my current situation.  Despite my accurate right hook and of course my bulging biceps, I haven’t been physically beating on myself (My constant toothache/jaw pain is misleading) but I have been in need of some good old fashion verbal abuse lately. Don’t worry, my verbal abuse is always positive and ALWAYS needed. The need for my verbal abuse started Wednesday afternoon after I took my first practice exam for my PT boards. I didn’t do horribly but I didn’t reach the target score I needed in order to feel confident about passing my real board exam on June 8^th. (If you want to start praying for me now, I won’t object.) And like that, the spirit of fear that plagued me for so long, especially during PT school returned. But this time fear wasn’t wrapped around my neck making it impossible to breath; my hands were straggling me. I recognized my willingness to allow fear to win instantly and before it had a chance to manifest in my life, I turned to my healer. I stopped Satan before he had a chance to begin an all out brawl with me. And I must admit, I was proud of myself and my ability to withstand a stronghold that kept me captive for so long.  Two days later, I realize Satan backed off so easily because he knew I would do his job for him. It took me a few days worth of lectures, an intense  craving  for a Marlboro light, (craving not an actual cigarette), a panic attack, and a long shower sit to end my all out brawl with myself and finally let God win.

In two days, I convinced myself that I was going to fail my board exam, watch my checking account vanish, slip into a depression, ruin my future and live under the bridge. I began thinking of all the reasons why I deserved to fail my board exam. I actually made a mental list of all the sin and shame in my life during PT school and after about 300 items I stopped counting convinced I deserved failure in all areas of my life.  I am not proud to say but I truly thought all of these things. (imagine what I would have thought in a week’s time) I thought all of these things because I had a temporary lapse in sanity and because I took my eyes off of God.  No one understands personal failure better than the owner of the failure itself. And I am not an exception to that statement. I am constantly reminded of my failures and today when I was yelling at myself for God; He showed me the extent of my failures. He could have given me a number of scriptures, the Holy Spirit could have interceded and comforted me, or He could have descended into my car, let out a good laugh, shook my shoulders, and said, “Are you done yet? I have your future to take care of.” But He didn’t do any of those things because unfortunately He has been given the task of stopping me from my all out brawls towards myself. And He knew none of those were going to work this time. In a short car ride, He flashed every single one of my most heartfelt failures before my eyes. He reopened the scars of my past and laid out every single reason why I did in fact deserve failure of the worst kind for the rest of my life. But He wasn’t condemning me or appeasing the thoughts I already possessed. He was just being God. After a few (thankfully only a few) minutes of reminders; He reminded me of the very first prophecy I ever received. Thirteen years ago, He told me I was a strong oak tree amongst a dying forest  and He was going to use me in mightily if I would only let Him. Thirteen years ago friends!  Do you know how many failures and vast amounts of sin and shame I have accumulated in 13 years? Fortunately, the only One who does know reminded me today that not only am I forgiven but He knew every detail of those 13 years before they even occurred, It sounds redundant to be reminded of the power of salvation but God wasn’t reminding me of my redemption; He was reminding me that in all of those dark years; I was never a failure to Him. He knew my heart and He knew how I would be used for His kingdom. He knew that it would take me 13 years to be “an Oak of righteousness to display His splendor.” If God wasn’t willing to give up on me for 13 years, why would He start now? And the answer is: He wouldn’t. God will never quit on us friends. Even when we try to convince ourselves that we will be living under the bridge with no hopes of a future; He will remain a mighty fortress. He will remain so He can remind us that despite all of our all out brawls against ourselves; we won’t win.  Thankfully God doesn’t think like us. His only thought is how to love us more. He wants to diminish our fears and our strongholds to all of the failures in our lives. He wants desperately for us to see that despite what we see in ourselves or despite what we think we deserve; He sees us eternally. He sees us in Heaven with Him as He lavishes us with His love which is greater than any failure we endure on Earth. The only way to taste that love is to be still and know that He is God. To know that He never stops loving us and He never stops providing for us.  Don’t find fear in the thought of living under a bridge: Find rest in Christ alone. Don’t entertain thoughts of failure and fear but consume yourself with thoughts of His power and promises.  And don’t have all out brawls with yourself. Let the rational part of your heart and brain override the absolutely insane parts. Let Jesus show you that there will never be a greater love than His. Let Jesus show you what He sees as you look in the mirror: His child that He will stand beside for much longer than 13 years if necessary.

My body, my brain, my heart, and my soul are exhausted from the torment I have put them through over the past 2 days. And as I prepare to turn my brain off and catch up on sleep (of course sleepless nights were a part of my out of control thoughts) my list of thousands of shameful failures can be replaced with a single thought: I will never be a failure to God and He has chosen me to display His splendor. My soul is restored tonight and my mind at peace because I know that as much as God wants to come sit on my bed and give me one of His loving lectures, He won’t. He won’t because He has my future to plan. (But He will be on my bed providing His peace which surpasses all understanding as I drift into a deep sleep)

Verse to remember: Isaiah 8:11-17

11. This is what the LORD says to me with his strong hand upon me, warning me not to follow the way of this people: ¹² “Do not call conspiracy everything this people calls a conspiracy; do not fear what they fear,  and do not dread it. ¹³ The LORD Almighty is the one you are to regard as holy, he is the one you are to fear, he is the one you are to dread.¹⁴ He will be a holy place; for both Israel and Judah he will be a stone that causes people to stumble and a rock that makes them fall. And for the people of Jerusalem he will be a trap and a snare. ¹⁵ Many of them will stumble; they will fall and be broken, they will be snared and captured.” ¹⁶ Bind up this testimony of warning and seal up God’s instruction among my disciples.¹⁷ I will wait for the LORD, who is hiding his face from the descendants of Jacob. I will put my trust in him.

Graduating with Highest Honors

Another chapter (and a loooong three years) of my life is finally over. Yesterday morning, with an extremely full bladder (for the record, a pot of coffee before a two hour graduation isn’t such a good idea) and a mixture of emotions, I walked across the stage at WVU and became Jessica Brooke Garcia, doctorate of physical therapy. As I received my doctorate hood and my diploma, my mind entertained many thoughts. Thought one:  I prayed a prayer of complete thankfulness to God for allowing me to stand before hundreds of individuals as I received a degree that meant so much to me. (I also said a prayer for urinary retention). Thought two: I envisioned my pap passing out business cards with my name on them in heaven with a giant smile of pride and love on his face. Thought three:  I realized the emptiness that had already set is as a result of my friends (classmates) parting ways to begin the next step in our journeys.  Thought four: I never had to sit in a desk on the eighth floor again. Thought five: enjoy the moment because “serious” board exam studying begins Monday. Thought six:  I look like a clown in my regalia. And thought seven: the envelope I was holding with the word DIPLOMA  stamped on the front was empty. (there were other thoughts but I had to stop somewhere) It was empty because there was an error in billing during one of my visits to student health and my student account showed a $15.00 balance that had already been paid. Yes friends, I had to endure my dad’s furrowed brow and responsibility speech because of an error I couldn’t control.

When I found out last Thursday that my diploma would be mailed to me opposed to actually receiving it at graduation like the rest of my classmates; I was quite angry. I believe my exact statement to the lady in charge of student accounts at student health was: “I gave WVU $65,000 dollars and my sanity for the past three years and six phone calls later; I still can’t find someone who understands the term duplicate charge.”  She understood my frustration and WVU’s billing system because she was finally able to permanently remove the charge from my account.  After getting off of the phone, I continued to be angry because my mind entertained the many thoughts of all the pure misery I endured to finally hold my diploma in my hand. As my anger/frustration/ unhappiness escaladed, I even allowed myself to believe that all of my hard work and sacrifice was in vain because my envelope would be empty on graduation day. And that is exactly what Satan wanted me to think then and it is exactly what he wants me to think as I strive to make my relationship with Christ stronger. Satan exists to kill, steal, and destroy everything we have in Christ. He strives to make us think that we need proof for our efforts, our sacrifices, our commitments, and our investments in Christ.  He attacks our hearts and our minds in hopes that we turn from the truths of the promises of God and turn towards self-centeredness, pride, and regret.  He knows that once we accept Christ into our hearts, the Holy Spirit lives within us, leaving absolutely no room for him so Satan’s only chance of winning us back is to convince us to turn away from our desire to follow God’s greatest command: Love the Lord your God with all of your heart, mind, soul, and strength. Friends, as soon as we start living for some sort of recognition or adoration we fall into Satan’s trap. We make our lives about us instead of about Jesus. I am not saying it is wrong to delight in personal accomplishments or be proud of the person who have become; I am saying every motive of our heart, mind, strength, and soul should be rooted in Christ. Our motives should never be set towards earthly gains. Our entertaining thoughts should never be consumed with everything we’ve lost and endured: our thoughts should be consumed with everything the kingdom of God gained, every area in which He received the glory.  Our lives aren’t our own friends. Everything we have belongs to Him and one day the very one who created our hearts will open it up in front of our eyes and we will see exactly what God sees in us. If God opened up your heart today would he see a faithful servant? Would He see your living for His son (Jesus) or would He see you living for yourself? Or would your motives be self-centered opposed to Christ-centered?  Don’t let Satan convince you that your efforts, sacrifices, and love for Jesus are in vain just because you don’t have tangible proof. God is for too big and far too awesome to be contained in the tangible form.  

I may not have opened up my diploma on graduation day but I will receive my diploma sometime in the next 5-7 business days. (Or I will be making another round of calls to WVU) And when I open it up it will still read, degree earned:  Doctorate of Physical Therapy.  I may not experience a single form of tangible proof of my dedication and sacrifice to Christ while I am on this Earth but I will receive my sash one day. And when I look down across my chest my sash will read, degree earned: Doctorate of faithful servant of God. Hopefully, my pap remembered to put that title on my business cards!

Verse to remember:   Leviticus 26: 14-20 ¹⁴“‘But if you will not listen to me and carry out all these commands, ¹⁵ and if you reject my decrees and abhor my laws and fail to carry out all my commands and so violate my covenant, ¹⁶ then I will do this to you: I will bring on you sudden terror, wasting diseases and fever that will destroy your sight and sap your strength. You will plant seed in vain, because your enemies will eat it. ¹⁷ I will set my face against you so that you will be defeated by your enemies; those who hate you will rule over you, and you will flee even when no one is pursuing you.  ¹⁸ “‘If after all this you will not listen to me, I will punish you for your sins seven times over. ¹⁹ I will break down your stubborn pride and make the sky above you like iron and the ground beneath you like bronze. ²⁰ Your strength will be spent in vain, because your soil will not yield its crops, nor will the trees of your land yield their fruit.

X-Ray Vision

Thursday afternoon, I finally went to get my teeth cleaned and after 27 years, it has finally happened…I have my first cavity. I was quite upset upon realizing that my lifelong dream of making it my entire life without having a cavity had come to an end. I didn’t really have a lifelong dream to remain cavity free but I am not going to lie, I was slightly upset upon learning I have my first cavity. I shouldn’t be upset because one, it is just a cavity not a terminal illness and two; I don’t have obsessive oral hygiene skills. (I actually learned that I have been flossing wrong my entire life…the floss goes around your middle finger) Perhaps my slight distraught state of mind about my cavity was made worse by my dental hygienists (who also happens to be the only mom I’ve ever known) exaggerated comments about the severity of my cavity. Throughout my appointment (I still think she scrapped off part of my lower front tooth) we laughed at my repeated comments about my concern for a cavity and we laughed at her repeated comments about my life being over now that my mouth was plagued with a cavity. After my exam, I wanted to see my cavity so she showed me the x-rays of my teeth. And there is was on my top left molar; a giant black hole slowly taking over my once perfect tooth.

As you may have guessed, I had a few question about my cavity and I was surprised to learn that my cavity wouldn’t have been visible without the x-ray films of my teeth because it hadn’t come through the surface of my tooth yet. (Good thing I had a skilled dental hygienists) One little two second x-ray saved me many months of toothaches. God works very similar to an x-ray machine friends. He examines our hearts and our minds and He discovers our aches and pains before they break through the surface. He takes the pictures of our broken souls and he studies them. He commits our pains to His memory. He finds a way to work around our weaknesses and our disobedience. He discovers truths about us that we don’t even know about ourselves. And when He has everything he needs to restore our hearts and minds back to wholeness; He sends in His troops to minister to us until we turn ourselves over to Him and allow Him to fill in the gaps in our lives. Sometimes part of God’s refining purpose that is necessary to fill in the images He sees when He uses His x-ray vision causes great hurt and great sacrifice. We often get caught up in the pain involved opposed to the refining involved. We don’t allow ourselves to accept the fact or believe that God can see what we can’t and as a result we give up our worship to Him. I didn’t second guess my dental hygienist (I only second guess her on hair straightners) or my dentist when they said I had a cavity despite lacking any signs or symptoms of a cavity; I trusted their x-ray visions. And I trust God’s x-ray vision more. I trust Him so much that I place all of my pains, my trials, my disappointments, and my heartaches at His feet and worship Him. I may not see what He sees at times but I confidently stand in His presence and ask Him to use every hard thing in my life to display His glory. I surrender myself to Him and allow Him to use every situation in my life as a platform to reveal another aspect of Himself. Do you trust God’s x-ray vision in your own life? Do you set aside your pain in order for God to refine your heart and your mind? Or do you wait until you feel the symptoms of you ailing life? God vision is better than anything we can imagine for ourselves friends. He loves us so much that He uses everything He sees inside of us with His x-ray vision to heal hurts we don’t even know exist and to permanently patch up the holes in our lives.

When I get my cavity filled, I won’t see the remnants of the cavity (what did people do before white filings were available); I’ll see my healthy teeth. (and my million dollar smile) And when God fills in the gaps of my life, I won’t see my pain; I’ll see the beauty of the refiner’s x-ray vision.

Verse to remember. Malachi 3:2-3 2 But who can endure the day of his coming? Who can stand when he appears? For he will be like a refiner’s fire or a launderer’s soap. 3 He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver; he will purify the Levites and refine them like gold and silver.

Greater Love Hath No Man Than This; To Call the Governor for His Granddaughter

This entire week, my hear t and my mind have been consumed by one thing: my pap. My pap is in my heart and my mind everyday (and every morning I look at his picture and tell him that I love him) but  it is  almost impossible to think of my graduation without thinking of him. To say my pap was my biggest supporter would be a huge injustice to the depths of his love and support. My pap loved me with a love I will never experience again in my lifetime. And the only person who knew a greater definition of sacrifice is God himself.  My journey through PT school was sustained by his daily phone calls which he planned around my class schedule, (every semester he wrote down all of my class times so he wouldn’t call and worry me while I was learning). My pre-practical panic attacks (and occassional pre-practical pukes) were eased by his words of encouragement and his promise to make a trip to Morgantown at any time during the night if I needed him. My hours (and by hours I mean a tremendous amount of hours) of studying didn’t seem as misserable when I heard the happiness  in his voice upon finding out my passing grades.  And most importantly, my desire to quit failed in comparrison to my desire to make the man who called the governor of WV proud. Yes, friends my pap called the govenor of WV when I was applying to PT school to see if he would write a letter of reccomendation to include with my application. And he didn’t call once. He called everyday for weeks until finally the governor called him back. My favorite part of this story is that I told my pap numerous times it wouldn’t matter if our govenor agreed to write a letter because I couldn’t use it. I had specific requirements for my letters of reccomendation and unfortunatley West Virginia’s governor didn’t make the cut.  My pap didn’t stop calling and he didn’t go away easy(somehow our govenor agreed to let me volunteer at the capitol and then he would write a character letter for me opposed to a reccomendation letter) because he was determined to do whatever he could to make sure I received an acceptance letter.

I didn’t  stroll into our capitol and introduce myself to the governor as the grandaughter of the man who filled your voicemail with daily messages. But I did experience the purest form of Earthy love imaginable. And when I opened my letter of acceptance to WVU PT program my accomplishment became his accomplishment and my happiness became his happiness; His love became my motivaton.  My pap’s love helped lead me to the only One whose love surpasses his. Had I decieded to quit PT school, I would have never allowed myself to fully trust God and I would have never learned to fully rely on God’s love. During my three year quest, I hit rock bottom friends. The pain of my pap’s death and the grief and depression that followed began the downward spiral to the lowest point of my life. (I often refer to it as the black hole) I was so very close to quitting not only PT school but quitting life. And then I remembered the very last thing I said to my pap. I promised him I would make him proud.  Instead of quitting, I hit my knees and begged God to help me. And as I experienced the purest form of heavenly love imaginable, God let me know that if I surrendered myself to him; my dreams would be His dreams, my happiness would be His happiness; His love my motivation.  And almost a year later, God has kept up His end of the promise. By trusting God to get me through the past months and  by relying on His love alone; I have experienced the greatest joy of my life. My joy comes each day when I wake up and say, “Lord here I am. I will go where you lead me.” I expereince joy because I know that regardless of what I do or where I go or what trials I face; I am motivated by the love of my Father. I am motivated by knowing that this Earth isn’t all there is. I am motivated because my accomplishments are no longer rooted in Earthly gains. I am motivated because I know that His love never fails and as long as I stay completely surrendered to Him; I won’t fail. My heart, mind, soul, and strength will never be motivated by my own will and I have so much freedom in that thought. God wants to share in your hearts friends. He wants to stand with you as you face trials and He wants to delight in your happiness. There isn’t a letter of reccomendation needed to be accepted by God. There is just a prayer of surender and faith the size of a mustard seed. And of course an envelope with a letter enclosed saying: Congratulations! You have been accepted.

I am convinced my pap is still making calls. Only this time, he is sitting on his front porch calling down the street to God reminding Him that he will do whatever necessary to make sure his grandaughter is happy.  And as God listens to my pap; He will be smiling because He knows I am not concerned with happiness: I’m concerned with making my pap proud. And his proudest moment will be when he takes my hand and leads me to my Father after I have completed all of His accomplishments that became my responsibility the moment I surrendered the black hole to Him.

Verse to remember:  1 Timothy 3-7 3 As I urged you when I went into Macedonia, stay there in Ephesus so that you may command certain people not to teach false doctrines any longer 4or to devote themselves to myths and endless genealogies. Such things promote controversial speculations rather than advancing God’s work—which is by faith. 5 The goal of this command is love, which comes from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith. 6 Some have departed from these and have turned to meaningless talk.7 they want to be teachers of the law, but they do not know what they are talking about or what they so confidently affirm.

Banana Split, MD

Today, I officially finished my last requirement for PT school. During our lunch break (with complimentary diet coke) from case study presentations; we were required to give feedback from many areas of the PT curriculum in the form of a survey. Some of the questions brought me back to my very first semester of PT school. I started gross anatomy on June 14, 2008 at 8:00 AM and by 9:00 AM on June 14^th; I was convinced I had made the worst decision of my life. I doubted my abilities to maintain a 3.0 GPA. I became physically sick due to the intense fear of failure. And I gave up all basic needs of life in order to spend every waking moment studying. In one summer, I quadrupled my coffee intake, I began my weekend long study sessions at 5:00 AM, and I slowly lost every bit of sanity I possessed. My summer anatomy class eventually ended and I passed. But that wasn’t enough for me. I was still petrified of the unknown. I was still questioning my desire to succumb to the torture I knew lied ahead of me. I was still convinced I lacked the skill needed to succeed in the PT program. As I was spending my 2 week summer break secretly studying for the classes that awaited me the following semester (and throwing up every night because of pure panic) my friends and family were trying their best to be supportive and encouraging. And while I appreciated their attempts and loved them for their efforts; I was still a ball of fear and anxiety inside. I wish I could pinpoint a single source for convincing myself to continue on the pursuit of one of my lifelong dreams but I can’t. But I do remember that I had to dig deep and search through all the fear in my heart to find the true source of my strength and happiness. I also remember sitting with my pap during the weekend before my first fall semester began and talking with him about my doubts and fears. We were eating banana splits (I was actually self medicating) on his front porch and he said, “Pap will always be proud of you and when we are sitting here after you graduate; I’ll buy you your first banana split as a doctor.”

My pap would have been proud of me regardless of my career choice. (He would have even been proud if I became a Duke fan) And if my pap were here today, we most definitely would have eaten banana splits together to celebrate my almost graduation from a doctorate program. As I ate an upside down banana split (with hot fudge, strawberries, and wet walnuts) today alone in my car in honor of my pap; I realized that not only was he proud of me but he knew what my future held. His vision for my life was far greater than anything I could have imagined for myself during that time in my life. After I wiped away my tears, I found comfort in knowing that my pap was sitting next to the One whose vision for my life far exceeds anything I can imagine for myself not only now but forever. I may be a week away from a doctorate degree but I am still facing the same unknowns in my life. I still have uncertainties regarding my abilities to speak in front of thousands of women (I have finally allowed obedience to replace my fear), I still have the pressure of passing my board exams, I still have absolutely no idea what lies ahead of me. But I do know that I no longer have to be afraid and I no longer have to give up basic needs of life. I can embrace the unknown with excitement and a fulfillment of peace because I have succumbed to the vision of my Father. I have given up my desire to formulate the perfect plan. I have given up my fear that keeps me up at night worrying about student loan payments, job opportunities, and health insurance. I put my time and energy into preparing my heart and mind to be second member of God’s two man team instead of putting my time and energy into planning a future. My late nights consist of committing bible verses to memory, praying for guidance and strength, and asking myself if I truly have a self portrait that I want splattered all over the back of my book for the entire world to see. (Somewhere during my late nights of coffee drinking, I stand in front of my mirror and practice my public speaking skills). Friends, I don’t have a secret formula with the answers to the unknowns of my life but all I know is obedience and love to my Lord. I know that when I seek Him first and truly trust and serve Him; I don’t have to doubt my abilities or replace my faith with fear. I actually do the exact opposite; I find rest in Him. I allow myself to enjoy the benefits of knowing Him. I allow myself to be carried by my piggy back partner during a period of unknowns. During a period where Satan is hoping I relinquish my grip around God’s neck and jump off of His back so He can convince me that I have made the worst decision of my entire life by seeking and serving God above everything else.  Make yourself a survey of your life. Go back to the toughest, most brutal, emotionally draining times of your life. And if you made it through those times; realize that God knew what your future held. His vision for your life was far greater than anything you could have ever imagined. He loves you friends. He is so very proud of you and He wants to buy your first eternal banana split as a redeemed, obedient child of God.

Verse to remember:  Daniel 10:12-19  12Then he continued, “Do not be afraid, Daniel. Since the first day that you set your mind to gain understanding and to humble yourself before your God, your words were heard, and I have come in response to them. 13 But the prince of the Persian kingdom resisted me twenty-one days. Then Michael, one of the chief princes, came to help me, because I was detained there with the king of Persia. 14 Now I have come to explain to you what will happen to your people in the future, for the vision concerns a time yet to come.” 15While he was saying this to me, I bowed with my face toward the ground and was speechless. 16 Then one who looked like a man touched my lips, and I opened my mouth and began to speak. I said to the one standing before me, “I am overcome with anguish because of the vision, my lord, and I feel very weak. 17 How can I, your servant, talk with you, my lord? My strength is gone and I can hardly breathe.”18 Again the one who looked like a man touched me and gave me strength. 19“Do not be afraid, you who are highly esteemed,” he said. “Peace! Be strong now; be strong.”