For the past few days, I have been in an all out brawl with myself. If you have never stood in front of your bathroom mirror yelling at the face staring back at you or never given yourself an all out lecture on life while driving (in your angry mom voice I may add), then you won’t appreciate where I am coming from. But if you have had those moments where you constantly beat yourself up then, maybe for the first time ever, you will be able to relate to my current situation. Despite my accurate right hook and of course my bulging biceps, I haven’t been physically beating on myself (My constant toothache/jaw pain is misleading) but I have been in need of some good old fashion verbal abuse lately. Don’t worry, my verbal abuse is always positive and ALWAYS needed. The need for my verbal abuse started Wednesday afternoon after I took my first practice exam for my PT boards. I didn’t do horribly but I didn’t reach the target score I needed in order to feel confident about passing my real board exam on June 8th. (If you want to start praying for me now, I won’t object.) And like that, the spirit of fear that plagued me for so long, especially during PT school returned. But this time fear wasn’t wrapped around my neck making it impossible to breath; my hands were straggling me. I recognized my willingness to allow fear to win instantly and before it had a chance to manifest in my life, I turned to my healer. I stopped Satan before he had a chance to begin an all out brawl with me. And I must admit, I was proud of myself and my ability to withstand a stronghold that kept me captive for so long. Two days later, I realize Satan backed off so easily because he knew I would do his job for him. It took me a few days worth of lectures, an intense craving for a Marlboro light, (craving not an actual cigarette), a panic attack, and a long shower sit to end my all out brawl with myself and finally let God win.
In two days, I convinced myself that I was going to fail my board exam, watch my checking account vanish, slip into a depression, ruin my future and live under the bridge. I began thinking of all the reasons why I deserved to fail my board exam. I actually made a mental list of all the sin and shame in my life during PT school and after about 300 items I stopped counting convinced I deserved failure in all areas of my life. I am not proud to say but I truly thought all of these things. (imagine what I would have thought in a week’s time) I thought all of these things because I had a temporary lapse in sanity and because I took my eyes off of God. No one understands personal failure better than the owner of the failure itself. And I am not an exception to that statement. I am constantly reminded of my failures and today when I was yelling at myself for God; He showed me the extent of my failures. He could have given me a number of scriptures, the Holy Spirit could have interceded and comforted me, or He could have descended into my car, let out a good laugh, shook my shoulders, and said, “Are you done yet? I have your future to take care of.” But He didn’t do any of those things because unfortunately He has been given the task of stopping me from my all out brawls towards myself. And He knew none of those were going to work this time. In a short car ride, He flashed every single one of my most heartfelt failures before my eyes. He reopened the scars of my past and laid out every single reason why I did in fact deserve failure of the worst kind for the rest of my life. But He wasn’t condemning me or appeasing the thoughts I already possessed. He was just being God. After a few (thankfully only a few) minutes of reminders; He reminded me of the very first prophecy I ever received. Thirteen years ago, He told me I was a strong oak tree amongst a dying forest and He was going to use me in mightily if I would only let Him. Thirteen years ago friends! Do you know how many failures and vast amounts of sin and shame I have accumulated in 13 years? Fortunately, the only One who does know reminded me today that not only am I forgiven but He knew every detail of those 13 years before they even occurred, It sounds redundant to be reminded of the power of salvation but God wasn’t reminding me of my redemption; He was reminding me that in all of those dark years; I was never a failure to Him. He knew my heart and He knew how I would be used for His kingdom. He knew that it would take me 13 years to be “an Oak of righteousness to display His splendor.” If God wasn’t willing to give up on me for 13 years, why would He start now? And the answer is: He wouldn’t. God will never quit on us friends. Even when we try to convince ourselves that we will be living under the bridge with no hopes of a future; He will remain a mighty fortress. He will remain so He can remind us that despite all of our all out brawls against ourselves; we won’t win. Thankfully God doesn’t think like us. His only thought is how to love us more. He wants to diminish our fears and our strongholds to all of the failures in our lives. He wants desperately for us to see that despite what we see in ourselves or despite what we think we deserve; He sees us eternally. He sees us in Heaven with Him as He lavishes us with His love which is greater than any failure we endure on Earth. The only way to taste that love is to be still and know that He is God. To know that He never stops loving us and He never stops providing for us. Don’t find fear in the thought of living under a bridge: Find rest in Christ alone. Don’t entertain thoughts of failure and fear but consume yourself with thoughts of His power and promises. And don’t have all out brawls with yourself. Let the rational part of your heart and brain override the absolutely insane parts. Let Jesus show you that there will never be a greater love than His. Let Jesus show you what He sees as you look in the mirror: His child that He will stand beside for much longer than 13 years if necessary.
My body, my brain, my heart, and my soul are exhausted from the torment I have put them through over the past 2 days. And as I prepare to turn my brain off and catch up on sleep (of course sleepless nights were a part of my out of control thoughts) my list of thousands of shameful failures can be replaced with a single thought: I will never be a failure to God and He has chosen me to display His splendor. My soul is restored tonight and my mind at peace because I know that as much as God wants to come sit on my bed and give me one of His loving lectures, He won’t. He won’t because He has my future to plan. (But He will be on my bed providing His peace which surpasses all understanding as I drift into a deep sleep)
Verse to remember: Isaiah 8:11-17
11. This is what the LORD says to me with his strong hand upon me, warning me not to follow the way of this people: 12 “Do not call conspiracy everything this people calls a conspiracy; do not fear what they fear, and do not dread it. 13 The LORD Almighty is the one you are to regard as holy, he is the one you are to fear, he is the one you are to dread.14 He will be a holy place; for both Israel and Judah he will be a stone that causes people to stumble and a rock that makes them fall. And for the people of Jerusalem he will be a trap and a snare. 15 Many of them will stumble; they will fall and be broken, they will be snared and captured.” 16 Bind up this testimony of warning and seal up God’s instruction among my disciples.17 I will wait for the LORD, who is hiding his face from the descendants of Jacob. I will put my trust in him.
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