Banana Split, MD

Today, I officially finished my last requirement for PT school. During our lunch break (with complimentary diet coke) from case study presentations; we were required to give feedback from many areas of the PT curriculum in the form of a survey. Some of the questions brought me back to my very first semester of PT school. I started gross anatomy on June 14, 2008 at 8:00 AM and by 9:00 AM on June 14^th; I was convinced I had made the worst decision of my life. I doubted my abilities to maintain a 3.0 GPA. I became physically sick due to the intense fear of failure. And I gave up all basic needs of life in order to spend every waking moment studying. In one summer, I quadrupled my coffee intake, I began my weekend long study sessions at 5:00 AM, and I slowly lost every bit of sanity I possessed. My summer anatomy class eventually ended and I passed. But that wasn’t enough for me. I was still petrified of the unknown. I was still questioning my desire to succumb to the torture I knew lied ahead of me. I was still convinced I lacked the skill needed to succeed in the PT program. As I was spending my 2 week summer break secretly studying for the classes that awaited me the following semester (and throwing up every night because of pure panic) my friends and family were trying their best to be supportive and encouraging. And while I appreciated their attempts and loved them for their efforts; I was still a ball of fear and anxiety inside. I wish I could pinpoint a single source for convincing myself to continue on the pursuit of one of my lifelong dreams but I can’t. But I do remember that I had to dig deep and search through all the fear in my heart to find the true source of my strength and happiness. I also remember sitting with my pap during the weekend before my first fall semester began and talking with him about my doubts and fears. We were eating banana splits (I was actually self medicating) on his front porch and he said, “Pap will always be proud of you and when we are sitting here after you graduate; I’ll buy you your first banana split as a doctor.”

My pap would have been proud of me regardless of my career choice. (He would have even been proud if I became a Duke fan) And if my pap were here today, we most definitely would have eaten banana splits together to celebrate my almost graduation from a doctorate program. As I ate an upside down banana split (with hot fudge, strawberries, and wet walnuts) today alone in my car in honor of my pap; I realized that not only was he proud of me but he knew what my future held. His vision for my life was far greater than anything I could have imagined for myself during that time in my life. After I wiped away my tears, I found comfort in knowing that my pap was sitting next to the One whose vision for my life far exceeds anything I can imagine for myself not only now but forever. I may be a week away from a doctorate degree but I am still facing the same unknowns in my life. I still have uncertainties regarding my abilities to speak in front of thousands of women (I have finally allowed obedience to replace my fear), I still have the pressure of passing my board exams, I still have absolutely no idea what lies ahead of me. But I do know that I no longer have to be afraid and I no longer have to give up basic needs of life. I can embrace the unknown with excitement and a fulfillment of peace because I have succumbed to the vision of my Father. I have given up my desire to formulate the perfect plan. I have given up my fear that keeps me up at night worrying about student loan payments, job opportunities, and health insurance. I put my time and energy into preparing my heart and mind to be second member of God’s two man team instead of putting my time and energy into planning a future. My late nights consist of committing bible verses to memory, praying for guidance and strength, and asking myself if I truly have a self portrait that I want splattered all over the back of my book for the entire world to see. (Somewhere during my late nights of coffee drinking, I stand in front of my mirror and practice my public speaking skills). Friends, I don’t have a secret formula with the answers to the unknowns of my life but all I know is obedience and love to my Lord. I know that when I seek Him first and truly trust and serve Him; I don’t have to doubt my abilities or replace my faith with fear. I actually do the exact opposite; I find rest in Him. I allow myself to enjoy the benefits of knowing Him. I allow myself to be carried by my piggy back partner during a period of unknowns. During a period where Satan is hoping I relinquish my grip around God’s neck and jump off of His back so He can convince me that I have made the worst decision of my entire life by seeking and serving God above everything else.  Make yourself a survey of your life. Go back to the toughest, most brutal, emotionally draining times of your life. And if you made it through those times; realize that God knew what your future held. His vision for your life was far greater than anything you could have ever imagined. He loves you friends. He is so very proud of you and He wants to buy your first eternal banana split as a redeemed, obedient child of God.

Verse to remember:  Daniel 10:12-19  12Then he continued, “Do not be afraid, Daniel. Since the first day that you set your mind to gain understanding and to humble yourself before your God, your words were heard, and I have come in response to them. 13 But the prince of the Persian kingdom resisted me twenty-one days. Then Michael, one of the chief princes, came to help me, because I was detained there with the king of Persia. 14 Now I have come to explain to you what will happen to your people in the future, for the vision concerns a time yet to come.” 15While he was saying this to me, I bowed with my face toward the ground and was speechless. 16 Then one who looked like a man touched my lips, and I opened my mouth and began to speak. I said to the one standing before me, “I am overcome with anguish because of the vision, my lord, and I feel very weak. 17 How can I, your servant, talk with you, my lord? My strength is gone and I can hardly breathe.”18 Again the one who looked like a man touched me and gave me strength. 19“Do not be afraid, you who are highly esteemed,” he said. “Peace! Be strong now; be strong.”